CONTROLLING BEHAVIORS

We all use controlling behaviors from time to time. But how do you know when it crosses the line and becomes abuse? Frequency is one of the key signs. If someone regularly uses controlling behaviors to manipulate your feelings and your actions, then you may be in an abusive situation.

Listed below are some of the behaviors that can be used to control other people. As should be apparent, many of the behaviors below are not automatically controlling, but can be used to control others when done with the intention of manipulating someone else's feelings or actions. This list can also help you become more aware of your own controlling behaviors, many of which you may not have been previously aware.

1. Orders
2. Threats
3. Promises
4. Psyching-out/mind games
5. Manipulating
6. Blowing up/going off the deep end.
7. Physical illness/symptoms
8. Time-outs (when misused)
9. Blaming
10. Intimidating
11. Withholding
12. Violence
13. Yelling
14. Going to a higher authority
15. Taking things away
16. Making unilateral decisions
17. Vigilance/stalking/ following
18. Being overly sensitive
19. Wild statements
20. Over protective ('for your own good')
21. Giving alcohol or other drugs
22. Making them feel sorry for you
23. Keeping the other person ignorant and/or /uneducated
24. Using 'male privilege' ('man of the house')
25. Withholding sex/affection
26. Limiting access to items (e.g., car keys)
27. Monopolizing the time
28. Dominating the conversation
29. Superficially polite/nice

30. Handling someone else's belongings
31. Rationalizing
32. Blackmailing
33. Shaming
34. Apologizing
35. Walking away
36. Sarcasm
37. Pushing buttons
38. Nagging
39. Interrupting
40. Raising your voice
41. Ignoring
42. Using friends
43. Bringing up the past
44. Making demands
45. Looks/stares
46. Whining
47. Using children
48. Changing the subject
49. Lying
50. Isolating
51. Fear
52. Money
53. Getting the last word
54. Badgering
55. Silent treatment
56. Threatening suicide
57. Giving rewards/gifts
58. Giving the third degree
59. Short fuse

60. Flattering
61. Requiring authorization/ approval
62. Secret purchases
63. Defensiveness
64. Impatience/hurrying someone
65. Silence
66. Quid pro quo
67. Dismissive sounds (e.g. "tsk")
68. Contrariness
69. Argumentativeness
70. Repeated correcting/ negating
71. Unsolicited advice
72. Sabotaging the car or other items
73. Taking/disconnecting the phone.
74. Hiding items that don't belong to you.
75. Playing the expert
76. Extended pauses
77. Rhetorical questions
78. Talking down to
79. Inappropriate humor
80. Physical size
81. Talking for someone
82. Giving permission
83. Micromanaging
84. Back seat driving
85. Making fun of

courtesy of: © Men's Resource Center (503) 235-3433 and Women's Counseling Center (503) 235-4050, Portland Oregon.

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Practice harmlessness in word, thought and deed with the ones you love!

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